Lesson 101: My Anger Anatomy.

Living with me is not easy and I thank anyone who loves me so dearly and willing to put up with me. Some of you may be confused when I start to be silent for hours and care not to look you in the eye. The reason could be twofold. One, I have my hands busy and further interruptions should be avoided. Two, I just plain mad at you, or someone else or the world. On the first case, try called me several times. If I don't hit you (or something else) with something and respond nicely then you are lucky. But when even you approached me to say sorry and asked me what happened and I don't even look at you and pretending to look busy elsewhere then chances are I'm mad, rather mad or really angry. Am about to explode and spitting fire (my favorite phrase at the moment).

So what happened when I'm mad? Here's the anatomy, or structure, or chronological queue (whatever you want to call) for you to decipher where I am in. Or what you should do.

First, no matter what the problem is, no matter who was wrong in the first place my EGO demanded you to say sorry first. Promptly. Don't even wait for a quarter of an hour to do so. It will be late. The damage will be done already. I would have pondered and contemplated in my busy head (and interrupting heart) about why did you do it to me. Didn’t you know that what you did underestimate my intelligence and capability to execute order? Should I always check and double check whether you mean what you say or say what you mean? Should I imitate your state of mind regarding anything else in this world? Do you really think I don’t have principles at all and subject to mind change every time you require it? Why you don't even say sorry in the first place when I blurted out that I don’t like what you did? And there will be more whys showed up after. Believe me; my head would be very crowded that I will see blood. So cocky, eh? Wait until the next part.

Next, if you just wait to decide what to do with my wrinkled forehead to say sorry even for 10 minutes after I put my strike then I would lose track of my own rage and start feeling sorry for you and start being angry to myself. I would blame myself for being so selfish and unforgiving. Especially for being so uncool and mad at petty and trivial matter, and being condescending to other and being irresponsible of my duty as God's disciple.

 I will then hear the sermons going on and on about how I have been forgiven and that makes it mandatory to forgive (and forget, but we will talk about it later).

 I will be at court where my defendant will try so subtly to find justification for my anger but I will hear the juries buzz on guilty sentence.

I will then sent to imaginary jail with bars and increased voices in my head. Some of you would advice me on seeing the shrink instead because I heard voices. Yes, I heard voices when I'm angry and trying not to listen has increasing my adrenalin rate. I will get dizzy head and boiling stomach (physically) and tears build up. Please stay away at the least 15 feet away. It is not wise to get near me because I could be uncontrollable and destructive. Maybe some of you will understand at this point that I angry silently. I rarely shout when I'm angry, only when I could not hold myself. Mostly it was silenced with trembling lips, clenching teeth and trickling tears that grows into sobs and clutching to pillow to muffle the voice. I hate being seen in this state so I would probably shut myself in bedroom when I am allowed to do so.

If you are slightly mad (or pretty much flamed) too, I will not blame you. I will be so sorry and eagerly to blame myself for making you so but I'm helpless at this point. Please keep your cool and wait.

After a while (I couldn't say the exact duration, just approximation. It could be hours to whole night or whole night and day. Hormonal thing may kick in too, so I really have no idea when I will resume sanity), I would get the better of me. I will make peace with myself and able to forgive. I will then shed the matter on the back of my head and let go. I will be able to talk casually and chat with you without being awkward. You could safely come near me, pat me in the head or touch me. I will not bite.

So, that's the wrap of my anger anatomy.

You could call me selfish and cocky as you wish but this is how thing works inside my head. I have tried in the past to overcome this trait but the only thing I could do is just fighting the urge to anger or avoid the source of anger. So with me it is to promptly resolving or waits a little longer; I would not dictate the choice. I will respect your call. Proceed at your own risk or whatever you could bear because I understand that you could be very mad at me at this point.

Thank you for reading.

Anger and Me

I was working on a tapestry crochet bag. I liked the yarn and the possibility to start implementing this long read but never tried technique so I cast on and started the base. It was interesting how the fabric was created in this method. You just need to try it yourself to know what I mean. I just got a couple of rows when accident happened.

I was angry. Very angry. I couldn't tell the cause but I had burst to silent tears and boiling stomach. I could feel the blood rushing to my head and made me dizzy. I could be in the real physical pain when I'm angry so I tried hard not to. At the moment I tried to crochet a few more stitches to calm it down but I just couldn't silent the storm in my head. So I give up. To save me (and my surroundings, my loved ones and my yarns) from further damage I decided to lay down. I guessed the piece will happily wait until sing the peace song and walk in the path of greens again.

I remembered a joke from A Joke A Day that tells the story of a wife that tells the secret on her death bed regarding a jar filled with hundreds of dollars and a couples of finished doilies. It turned out that whenever she got angry to her husband she would make doily and sold the finished ones. After years of living with her husband she had accumulated the money mentioned before.

Fantastic story, isn't it? Whether it was fiction or real story, I definitely envy her because sometime I feel that I could get mad easily. Imagine how much money I could make out of my anger, it certainly cut my husband budget on yarns as I crave for them every time I see them in person or online. But really, I don't like doilies and I don't think I could stay still and crochet when I'm on the verge of bursting flame and spitting fire. So I guess I should try something more reasonable, easier and calming to use my raged energy. Because I could knit while pacing back and forth (but couldn't use my hook without sitting) how about knitting washcloths or hot pads? They will be easier to make. Especially in garter stitch. Do you think people will buy those?